The Ones You Missed
Copyright © by Dan Schneider, 1/12/03
After some of
the more heavy-themed Bylines essays of late I resolve to, in this piece, go
totally fluff. Well….I will start this piece off by stating that loneliness is
1 of the most frustrating of human conditions & emotions. At least when it
visits you. When it visits others it can be uproariously funny. Such is the
premise of the nationally syndicated TV show ElimiDate.
1 person dates (usually) 4 members of the opposite sex. It takes 3 rounds to
1-by-1 eliminate the 3 losers from the eventual winner, who gets the chooser’s
My wife & I started watching this show early last year, during its 1st season, & found it often addicting. Some basic rules apply- shows are always better when it’s a white guy picking 4 babes (usually always white). The reason is that black men usually only get black women & the darker folk tend not to be as willing to diss each other in public. Similarly, whenever women are in the chooser’s role the show is usually dull- because the guys are not as desperate to be wanted as white babes are for white guys. When that mix gets going ElimiDate is a hell of a funny show, yet also 1 of the more honest ‘reality’ programs going. Yes, there are obviously ‘staged’ moments, where chooser & choosees mug for the camera, but it is in these shows that the utter loneliness of your average American youth shines through. The white guys are almost always looking for a 1 night stand, & the white babes degrade each other in the ways they will throw themselves at the guy, & diss each other majorly. But, damn, anyone who’s gotten a taste of the American bar scene in the last 40 years knows just how true this all is. Another basic rule is this- the ‘best’ babe of the 4 is usually the 1st babe cut by the poon-hunting would-be stud. By best I mean the babe whom I would choose to win- usually a cute, perky girl with a good head. The 3 other self-described ‘sluts’ then battle each other for the loser in charge. Almost inevitably the babe with the biggest tits, & least decency, wins. But, the absolute crux of the show, the cri de coeur, comes when- after being elimidated, 1 of the vanquished harlots walks away & gives her speech to the camera. Usually, it’s a plaintive dismissal of the guy or her rivals, or a bitter rebuke. Either way, the loneliness screams at you. Most of the women are reasonably physically attractive, & if they had approached me when single I’d have serviced them. But, as said, the best babes are usually quickly dismissed. Now, I can understand going for a 1-nighter with any of the singular choices, but what amazes is how the girl who shows a little depth, is almost always a goner. Why go for a 1-nighter when a real-dealer is in the wings? Then, again, this is why ElimiDate is so cogent, important, & accurate a representation of American singles’ sexuality in the early 21st century. Forget any ‘deep’ sociological studies, in 50 or 100 years a quick scan of 3-4 episodes of ElimiDate will truly tell any researcher more than enough.
But how few of us ever really go for a good thing when it’s in front of us? Before meeting my wife I recall a young woman I had become close to, & had desired in more than a ‘friendship’ way, telling me of the 7 things she wanted in her next lover/beau/mate. I replied that I had all 7 qualities. Stunned over never realizing it before, she admitted it was true- nonetheless, despite being her mind’s ‘dreamboat’ it was the last loser who had totally screwed her over that was her- ahum, ‘soulmate’. But we’re all guilty of this- to a degree. I have trouble remembering the names & faces of all the women I knew, dated, slept with, & discarded (or was discarded by) in my 20 years before marriage- BUT, I have the names, faces, & ‘incidents’ of all the babes who ever rejected me seared into my consciousness. Note, that it was 1 of these rejecters’ tales I just related.
Now, I promised to keep things fluffy, & I shall. I won’t delve in to my sexual past here- nor those females who rejected me. But, I will detail an aspect of American male loneliness that’s rarely chronicled- that of the male penchant for sexual adulation of famous females. I will recount the various ‘pop babes’ who have held sway over my libido.
Now, I’ve always preferred brunets to blonds or redheads, especially olive-skinned brunets, preferably petite- 5’3”, 115 lbs. or less. That’s not to say that I have not got a mojo for a tall black babe, or a bikini-bodied blond, but my default lust mode is for Mediterranean babes. That said, let me recount the sway of assorted pop goddesses in my life. As a kid in the 1960s I recall the TV show Romper Room had assorted female hostesses who were attractive, but I do not recall any Miss This or That standing out. The same was true for Sesame Street. But in the early 1970s Channel 11, WPIX, in NYC had a kids TV show called The Magic Garden, on- it was filled with puppets & life instructive concepts, etc. It starred 2 brunet hippy chicks, Carole Demas & Paula Janis. They were folk-singing sorts not unlike the spate of hippy babes I’d known in my own Ridgewood neighborhood. Paula was short & a little chubbier, & played the guitar, while Carole was taller, more statuesque, & a better singer. The show featured an annoying puppet called Sherlock the Squirrel- but Carole & Paula were the stars. Carole was the hotter 1 in my book.
But neither of the Magic Garden’s hippy babes could hold a candle to the smokin’ babe that reigned on a competing kids’ show called The New Zoo Revue. NZR opened with a very cool theme song- 1 that transcended the general lameness of the show:
It’s the New Zoo Revue, coming right at you.…
Where 3 delightful animals have fun with what they do.
We learn with our friend Doug (our friend Doug!)
& his helper Emmy Jo (Emmy Jo!)
We have fun learning what we don't know.
Delicate & feminine is Henrietta Hippo.
Very wise & very smart is Charlie the Owl.
Lots of spark with lots of parties, Freddy the Frog.
It's quite an unusual thing, the animals talk & sing...
With Doug & Emmy Jo, everyday’s a different show!
It’s the New
Zoo Revue, coming right at you.…
It’s the New Zoo Revue, coming right at you!
any boy who ever watched the show knows the ONLY reason to watch was for the über-babeolicious
Emmy Jo- a gorgeous brunet hippy chick who wore super tight & short
miniskirts, along with tall sexy go-go boots. As for the other characters there
was Doug- the 4-eyed wimpy host (who in real-life married Emmy Jo) who was a
famously bad guitarist & singer, Freddy- the annoying foam-costumed frog who
was probably the 1st out & out gay character on national
television, Charlie the Owl- a dull know-it-all, & Henrietta- the Hippo from
Dixie (huh?) who was in a constant battle with Doug & Freddy for which
character was the 1 you most wanted to drown. Under the tutelage of teacher Doug
& his assistant Emmy Jo, the characters learned lessons on academics,
culture, tolerance, & good citizenship through songs, dances & jokes.
The show ran from 1972-1977; but who cares? The real scoop is on Emmy Jo- the
goddess whose feature are still etched in to my memory; even now. I’m sure
many of you horny fuckfaces in your 30s & early 40s wanna know what ever
happened to her. Well, straight from the NZR website:
Texas-born Emily Peden, who plays
Emmy Jo on "The New Zoo Revue," began her acting career at Southern
Methodist University, where she was a speech and theater major. An ABC
television-sponsored, nationwide competition for scholarships to the famed
American Academy of Dramatic Arts brought Emily to New York when she was one of
the 17 recipients chosen from more than 1000 candidates.
After spending two years studying in New York and another year doing summer stock, Emily came to the West Coast and resumed her academic career, registering at the University of Southern California for a master's degree in Speech. She also met Doug Momary and began working with him during the creation of "The New Zoo Revue."
"We were engaged when he was writing it," Emily explains now, "and we went through all the living room auditions together." Just before taping the pilot, the couple were married.
Although Emily cites her first theatrical love as running more toward the dramatic than the musical comedy, she finds "The New Zoo Revue" a challenging and enthusiastic environment for her craft.
OK, so now we know how she
got the part & Doug got the Goddess! Is it any wonder? In a way I think
it’s refreshing to know even a goody-two-shoes like Doug was not above the
casting couch mentality. But, according to the site, they’ve been married 30
years & raised a family. The only other noteworthy thing about NZR was that
a small recurring part- that of Mr. Dingle the mailman- was played by future
game show host Chuck Woolery, host of the slimey 1980s show The Love
Connection- a show which makes ElimiDate seem Shakespearean by
However, there were TV shows that featured hot, younger babes more my own age. In the early 1970s PBS started running a Boston-based kids show called Zoom. It ran for most of the 1970s & was later revived in the late 1990s. The kids would change from year to year but I recall how much I liked their musical #s- especially 1 called The Cat Came Back. Nonetheless, in the 2nd or 3rd season there were 2 hot babes that came on the show- I was about 8 or 9 years old & the 2 girls were perhaps 2-3 years older. I also recall there was a tall blond kid about 12-13 named Danny, who was also on the show, because I lived vicariously through him. Often during the musical #s or game sessions, the kids would jabber & frolic & I hoped Danny would get lucky with 1 of the 2 babes I found hot. The 1st was a brainy bespectacled dirty blond girl named Lori. I was often rooting for Danny to nail her ass! The 2nd was a tall Chinese girl named Bernadette, who did some weird thing with her arms (that I can- to this day- still imitate) where it appeared she would swing them together & they would cross into each other- she would explain how to achieve this Chinese illusion in slow motion. I, however, would love to have seen her do a striptease in slow of real motion.
Now, you may think me hypersexual in wanting to go hammertime on the ‘tweener set that populated Zoom, but-hey- there’s a reason; actually 2. Do the names Catwoman & Ginger mean anything to you? 2 superbabes, from mid-1960s cult TV shows, who wore skin-tight garments, were probably responsible for more of the oozing hypersexuality that started in the 1960s & permeates pop culture to this day. The 1st was Batman’s 1st, best, & only real Catwoman (although Lee Meredith & Eartha Kitt tried & failed)- Julie Newmar! The woman whose impossibly perfect Barbie-esque figure, & skin-tight black leather suits gave rise to the very term: Catsuit. Decades of leather fetishists would be born in the thrall of Ms. Newmar’s curves. The only real small screen rival to the ozzing sexiness of JN was Gilligan’s Island’s reigning goddess, Ginger Grant- played by Tina Louise. Able to match JN curve for curve & flirt for flirt, Ginger wore bikinis &- most notably- a painted on jewel-spangled gown. I touched upon her, & her island rival, Mary Ann Summers, in a prior essay where I detailed the eternal debate over which island babe you’d prefer. Of course, to the horny set, there was no real debate- Ginger wins in a landslide. The real question should have been Ginger vs. Catwoman- hmmm? The only real rival to that duo was not to be found on TV, but in the film world- the incredible Raquel Welch! That is, until the mid 1970s, when TV would provide a 3rd goddess to rival the 1960s pair: old Wonder Woman herself- Lynda Carter- a former Miss Arizona & Miss USA. LC was a statuesque brunet with large perfect breasts.
But LC was an action star, unlike Tina Louise or Julie Newmar. She did have a rival, though- although not nearly as obviously sexy. That was the star of The Bionic Woman TV show’s star Lindsey Wagner. The blond star was more of a thinking man’s superhero. Her show started a year after LC’s & ended a year earlier (1976-78). But, that Bicentennial year would see the advent of the ‘Ultimate’ TV babes show- Charlie’s Angels. 3 police cadet school dropouts became super detectives. The star of season 1 was blond bombshell Farrah Fawcett-Majors, whose best-selling nipple-protruding poster of that year propelled her to superstardom. The 2 other angels were brainy brunet Kate Jackson, & brunet goddess Jaclyn Smith. The latter brunet was 1 of the most physically perfect women I had ever laid eyes on. Farrah left the show after the 1st season, & quickly her career faded. Her replacement, blond goddess Cheryl Ladd, was both better looking & a better actress- as well as bearer of a body made to wear a bikini. JS, however, while not as curvaceous as Ladd, went on to a post-Angels career as the #1 TV movie-of-the-week star of the 1980s.
Her only real rival for that title was not a sex goddess, but a babe who personified teenaged cuteness in the 1970s, as well as being my archetypal idea of what the perfect girlfriend would be- petite, brunet, cute, & sweet. The girl was the Italianate Valerie Bertinelli, who played younger sister Barbara Cooper on One Day At A Time. She later married rock star Eddie Van Halen. She was a breath of fresh air compared to the girl who played her older sister- the drug-addled Mackenzie Phillips. Of course, a few years earlier the debate had been on which of The Brady Bunch blond sisters were the hottest. Young pig-tailed sister Cindy (Susan Olson) was too jailbait, even to a pre-teener like me. Oldest sister Marcia (Maureen McCormick) was always choice #1 with 90% of the male kids. But I would have taken middle sister Jan (Eve Plumb). She was more complex & had an inner wild side- you were not surprised when, in a late 1970s telemovie Eve Plumb portrayed a prostitute. She was always, easily, the grrrlest of the Brady girls! The only other 1970s TV diva that I can recall firing up my engines was the incredibly curveolicious Bernadette Stanis- a noir goddess- who played Thelma Evans, the ‘ugly’ sister to JJ on the sitcom Good Times. I’d loved to have seen her in a catsuit! Unfortunately her career fizzled after the show was canceled- but, hey, wasn’t ‘Kid Dyn-O-Mite!’ way cooler than ‘The Fonz’?
About a decade after the Brady heyday, & right as Valerie Bertinelli’s run as top teen TV babe was ending, another sitcom cutie stepped forward. The show was Kate & Allie, played by Susan Saint James & Jane Curtin, & there were 2 daughters of the titular divorcees- a brunet named Emma McCardle (Ari Meyers) who was cute enough, & the blond daughter of Jane Curtin’s Allie character- Jenny Lowell, played by Broadway Annie star Allison Smith. Yes, I preferred the blond this time. She could sing, dance, act, & for some reason never went on to become a superstar. In all the years since she has never broken through, even though she has had a recurring role as Rob Lowe’s character’s love interest, Mallory O’Brien, on the smash hit The West Wing, starred in some other theater pieces, & some failed TV shows. I would recommend her website http://www.allisonsmith.org/ to any fans of this talent-laden, but artistically snake-bitten, beauty.
By the 1990s the reigning superbabes of TV, in my view, were in sci fi- most notably in the many Star Trek spinoff series. The Next Generation had fans of big-boobed Counselor Troi (Deanna Sirtis), but the actress was so lame I could never be in to her Grecian looks. Deep Space 9 brought Nana Visitor’s Kira, & Terry Farrell’s Jadzia Dax, some fans- but neither were my type- although I oft-wondered about how far they painted the spots down Ms. Farrell’s bod. When Farrell left after the show’s penultimate season they brought in my all-time favorite ST babe- even though sexiness was not her strong suit- Ezri Dax, plated by supercute, petite (5’5”) brunet Nicole DeBoer (born 12/20/70). It was almost as if Valerie Bertinelli’s Barbara Cooper character had gone into the future. ND had also starred in the late 90s sci fi indie cult film Cube, & the USA cable network’s The Dead Zone as Sarah Bannerman, & she just had that little extra something that made her my type of babe. Check her out: http://www.nikkideboer.com/ & http://home.iprimus.com.au/neilhogan/nicoledeboer/.Of course, the next ST series, Voyager, would midway through its run, introduce the greatest goddess in TV sci fi lore: 7 of 9- the human-cum-Borg-cum-human. Played by the drop dead gorgeous blond unreally bodacious bombshell Jeri Ryan, born Jeri Lynn Zimmerman on 2/22/68, 7 was the 1st TV character to do justice to a catsuit since Julie Newmar’s Catwoman 3 decades earlier. She now stars on Boston Public- but who cares? Catsuit & high heels- 7 of 9- what more could you ask for in an alien abduction? A favor: http://www.jerilynn.com/. Thank me later. JR’s suit took her over an hour to get in to, but it was worth it to many an ogling male eye. Naturally 5’8”, & 6 foot in heels, JR’s 7 character was called ‘whiplash-inducing’ by critics, but the actress proved to be a very good actress. This is not merely my lust speaking, however, because the next ST series, Enterprise, has tried to duplicate 7 of 9’s goddess-head with the character of T’Pol, the Vulcan Sub-Commander, played by blond goddess Jolene Blalock [http://www.joleneblalockonline.com/ & http://www.leh.net/~jolene/]. Unfortunately Ms. Blalock's character, from a stoic race, has not afforded her the opportunity to display her acting chops the way JR’s character did. Still, the model & actress, born (3/5/75) & raised as a bikini beach goddess in San Diego, California, does her own catsuit proud- her ubiquity in men’s magazines attests to this fact!
In the 1980s I started watching soap operas- both in prime time & daytime. These included a season or so of Dynasty, & later Beverly Hills 90210 & Melrose Place at night, while during the day All My Children & General Hospital were my shows. Assorted soap vixens who caught my eye were, in the 1980s, GH served up future Northern Exposure star Janine Turner- although then she was a long-haired blond siren, & not the short-haired brunet goddess she became famous as. Also a GH regular for a year or 2 was the daughter of Monkees drummer Micki Dolenz- Ami Dolenz. This blond hotty left the show to star in some lame film comedy with Tony Danza. All that’s left of her career can be seen at http://www.amidolenz.com/. That decade also saw GH cast Emma Samms as Holly Sutton- the big-titted brunet superbabe later migrated to 1980s primetime TV’s top soap Dynasty, to become the 2nd Fallon Carrington. In the 80s AMC also had an aborning filmic actress in its midst: Lauren Holly- future wife of Jim Carrey, & then playing goody-two-shoes Julie Chandler. This auburn blond beauty was very easy on the eyes. Born 10/28/63 the oddest thing about her is that her middle name is Michael- not Michelle!
By the late 1990s AMC would have another super-hotty- blond (now brunet) bitch/vixen Greenlee Smythe, played by the tongue-bathable Rebecca Budig- born 6/26/73. Speaking of tongue baths, there is GH’s current trio of sirens- GH’s superbitch is Carly Corinthos- played by blond babe-in-a-half-shell Tamara Braun (who replaced the equally delicious Sarah Brown- & both are damned good actresses). Then there’s brunet super-cutie Sarah Webber (played by Rebecca Herbst), &- not least of all the show’s 1990s diva- Brenda Barrett- played by Vanessa Marcil (born 10/15/69), who later tried primetime’s Beverly Hills, 9021, only to recently return after her post-90210 career flopped.
Although I never watched the NBC soap Passions I’m told that 1 of its main characters, Dr. Eve Russell, is played by a former heartthrob of mine from the 1980s show Star Search- 1 Tracey Ross- a black goddess who was that show’s 1st spokesmodel winner. The only other soap goddess who comes to mind was a 1990s superbitch on Melrose Place- Sydney Andrews- played by Laura Leighton (born 7/24/68)- a redheaired hellion who was even sexier than her blond goddess sister Jane (played by Josie Bisset). An odd fact is that she married her castmate Doug Savant (who played the show’s downtrodden queerboi Matt Fielding).
But music also had its influence over my libido. & I’m not talking about young hussies like Christina Aguilera nor Britney Spears (although Jessica Simpson has nice knockers, Avril LaVigne is a cute kid, & Vanessa Carlton is pretty- in a very odd sort of way), but rather 1 of the 1st non-kid films I recall seeing in the theaters- 1974’s Mahogany- starring Miss Diana Ross! Move over Billy Dee! The movie about a would-be supermodel is so-so, but the song is haunting, & Anthony Perkins is killer. Of course, that decade also featured Blondie’s Deborah Harry as every guy’s most boffable wet-dream. But Stevie Nicks, on Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours album- she was my BoHo Goddess. Check out: http://www.nicksfix.com/. Of course, 2 of my current musical faves I already discussed at length in an essay- that being Jewel http://www.jeweljk.com/ &, especially Alanis Morissette http://www.alanis.com/main.html. Not to mention salt & pepper country music goddesses: blond Faith Hill & brunet Shania Twain.
Then there are the oddball babes. I won’t detail the female wrestlers I’ve lusted for- just see my earlier essay on this topic. There’s also former NYC TV reporter Jane Mitchell- a petite, yet hard-nosed, brunet cutie from the 1980s, who later found it chic to Hispanicize her last name to Jane Velez-Mitchell, from its solo Mick origins. Now she’s doing schlock ‘investigative’ work on the tawdry syndicated TV show Celebrity Justice http://celebrityjustice.warnerbros.com/about/hosts/jane.html. & then there are the supermodels- too many to keep up with save the 1980s saw me swoon for brunet goddess Paulina Porizkova, & the 1990s for brainy supermodel Christy Turlington (born 1/2/69) http://christy.turlington.com/. It was a surprise to find out she was a smoker, who was suffering from pre-lung cancerous symptoms. Get well, Toots!
Let me wrap up this essay on my pop goddesses with a spate of actresses who have gotten my motor running. OK, Julia Roberts seems sweet, but she’s not at the top of my list, nor is her poor man’s version- Sandra Bullock. This is not to say I would not love to nail either brunet everygirl had I the chance (& were single), but they would not top off my lists. (Same goes for the 2 Jennifers- Aniston & Lopez.) On that score I would put the goddess Catherine Zeta-Jones, whose star-making turn in The Mask Of Zorro- yamana-yamana! Then there’s blonde bombshell Sharon Stone- & I’ve yet to see Basic Instinct- there’s just some intelligent spark & vitae there! As for the big screen babes that really get me going there’s brunet honey Minnie Driver (http://minniedriver.net/), whose lack of superstardom I’ve found puzzling since she actually tries to be an actress- & succeeds! Oh yeah, that’s why! Then there’s indie film queen, & brunet goddess, Parker Posey (born 11/8/68) who never gives a bad performance. The same can be said for my favorite current actress, the blond chameleon & Oscar winner, Gwyneth Paltrow (she’s so fine I’ll even give you 3 websites to scour): http://www.gwynethpaltrow.org/, http://members.aol.com/fbut40/gwyneth.html, & http://gwyneth.fineststars.com/main.html.
I recently got this anonymous post to the Cosmo index page- it's an ill-worded, almost self-parodic diss from the webmaster of the Stacie Mistysyn website:
Subject: Data posted to form 1 of http://www.cosmoetica.com/index.htm
Date: 17 Jan 2003 17:03:14 -0500
************************************************* T1: fan french T2: email@example.com B1: Submit S1: I read Dan Schneider article "On pop babes", why he said that my site about Stacie Mistysyn (http://membres.lycos.fr/staciefanfrench) is bizarre..? I don't understand, it's a fan web site, like others... there is nothing about this actress on the web, i'm just trying to concentred the information in one place. Yes i like her, a good actress in "prince in exile", and "Jersey Guy" (her last movie). www.Cosmoetica.com web site is very bizarre for me too, i unsderstand nothing ! (i 'm french). No sorry, bizarre i think i too much, just strange !
Old Frenchy cannot see why a forgotten foreign actress who provides a point of obsession for a grown man might be deemed bizarre- hmmm! Don't you just love the Frogs?
Return of The Frog (This Time It's Personal!)
Subject: Data posted to form 1 of http://cosmoetica.com/index.htm Date: 21 Jan 2003 07:07:18 -0500
T1: fan french
S1: Dear Dan Sneiber,
You speak English, i speak French ... Do you have problems with
french people ?
i've difficulties to write exactly what i want really say in english.
I think your method are too much. If i saw that you can published my
private email, i never do that. Do you publish this email too ? I
didn't give you the autorisation and the only method to contact you
is to use the form from your index page...
Could you please just precised that it's the "unofficial"
Stacie Mistysyn Website... and it's enought.
Ps : firstname.lastname@example.org
is a valid email adress... I'm not anonymous, i just use a pseudo, i
think it's different and you ?
Obviously Frenchy did not read the info on the home page where all correspondence to Cosmo becomes my property- does this mean I will wake up next to a severed Brie cheese?
Bitchslappin' the Brie-Eaters!
From: "fan french" email@example.com
Subject: Hello !
Date: Wed, 22 Jan 2003 17:03:07 -0500
It's Fanfrench, you remember me ? I didn't use the form on your index page, it was finally not very difficult to find your real email address ! If you pusblish this, you've got lot of problems... I didn't like your method, i decided to use the same. Please delete immediatly previous email content on your web site or change immediatly your email adress.... Do you know SPAM ? Thanks for your attention.
Wow! 24 hours- How time flies! This cretin was reported to his ISP! Bring on the Germans, next. Time for some Kraut with that Brie!
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